The Journey of Love (Hawwt Marauders Story 1!)
by Thatdammarauder
Summary: The Story In Which James Potter has Cheekbones that Can and Will Break Through Anything, Lily Evans is a Hot/Hormonal/Horny Idiot, Sirius is Sugarhigh, Remus Reads Too Much/Is Werewolf Supreme (we'll get to that), and Peter Doesn't Exist. A mix of a crack and a parody of a typical Marauders! fic.
1. In Which Lily Evans Is Actually Mary Sue

The umbrella disclaimer for all chapters: I don't own anything.

 **||Note (from the actual author and in between these four lovely** linebreaker **things because I don't want you peeps to get confused):** This is a combination of a parody and a crack fic. I repeat: a fucking crack/parody. I have no idea how it's going to work, so bear with me. I am inspired and have eaten miraculous candies that have induced this mess of a story. This is probably the last time you'll see an AN that's written by me: the rest would be from GlitterRainbow736xxx (made up username), the author of this extraordinarily bad fic (named "Hawwt Marauders Story!11!").

PS: I know that Lily doesn't have blue eyes, and Peter does factually exist, and Remus can't have Werewolf Magic ™. I have common sense. Thanks.||

And the parody starts in 3...2...1. (Enjoy)

* * *

Chapter 1: In Which Lily Evans is Actually Mary Sue

The girls clamor to be around Sirius Black, for some reason, though everyone knows that he is just an arrogant, childish player (with a hot body!)

He enjoys their attention too, even though he has a boyfriend by the name of Remus Lupin, who is a bookish, smart guy (also with a hot body!)

The other person in their friend group is James Potter, who has Quidditch-toned body, and a jawline that could break literally everything in his way. He is also a boy with a great sense of humor and even though he has shagged almost every single girl in his year (with his hot body!) he is looking for an intelligent, witty, slightly horny girl with tumbling red hair and curves in all the right places who might be willing to commit.

(Oh yeah there's also Peter, but we'll just ignore him...)

||Right, there's Petter, as well as the looming Wizarding war, and the concept of Holidays (™?), and the concept of parents, and the concept of school, and the concept of Britain, and the concept of society, but we'll ignore all of that. Starting now. Welcome to SPOOKY MORMON HELL DREAM—sorry, wrong musical. Welcome to "Hawwt Marauders Story!11!" And please be liberal with the curses to my name.||

/

Meanwhile in the Gryffindor common room…

(Nobody's POV!)

A girl that goes by the name of Lily Evans is wallowing in pain from her suicidal brother, drug-obsessed mother, and father with commitment issues who has left her family and caused her low self esteem and trust issues, even though (quite coincidentally) she is normally an intelligent, witty, slightly horny girl with curves in all the right places (think C-cups and tumbling red hair) who is willing to commit.

And James Potter has never seen her before in his whole life, even though they've been in the same house for 7 years, just a note.

Lily Evans, the previously mentioned girl, has stuffed herself inside ugly sweaters and has miraculously procured a half Scottish half American accent though she had been living in the middle of Britain for all of her 17 years.

She's smart, as I've established before.

Suddenly, a very hyper Sirius Black pops out of nowhere, pushing Lily down the couch while tossing his sexy, smooth, black hair around as if in a shampoo commercial.

"Ouch!" She yells indignantly, "Watch where you're going, asshole! Aye!"

(She has successfully executed her knowledge of the so called "American" language, with a perfect American accent, no less, except for the weirdly Scottish "aye" added at the end, inspite of living for her entire in the United Kingdom.)

Sirius sneers at her, just because, and Lily suddenly starts to cry, the tears roll off her cheek in huge blobs, and Sirius screams girlishly, facing the demon of hormonal emotions and salty, watery monsters that's still dripping off Lily's extremely-sexy-and-hot-AF (only when she's not crying) face.

Lily screams back and cries more, of course, which is what most girls do in the shadow of a predicament like this, causing Sirius to scream even more.

After roughly 73 seconds of mind-piercing screams that was heard by all faculty members and students alike (Dumbledore reconsiders his decision of letting the mermaids roam too close to Hogwarts grounds, shrugs, and continues his crossdressing show along with Professor McGonagall), Sirius faints, way too anticlimactically, whispering for the gods of "white, fluffy bunnies" under his breath.

Lily doesn't know what to do: she is a depressing loner, so she doesn't have any hot friends to help her out, but James saves her by sweeping in from the doors with his convenient long robes and posh accent.

"I require a unicorn, a lifetime supply of white chocolate, 10 centaur butlers, 25 different species of rare tropical fish, and a pool of galleons. ASAP!" James snaps at Lily, his hazel orbs (eye contraptions, melting wood colored, eyeballs of light) glinting dangerously as he surveys Sirius and looks around him.

Lily has the annoying urge to start crying again. Not a day has passed since she first glanced at James Potter in that bright, luminous Spring day that she hasn't thought of him without waves of wanton lust. He could command her all he wants (with his hot body!) and she would never get tired of it. But at the same time, she is a respectable female with a high sense of pride, so she simply refuses to be bossed around like that, even if the commander in question is her long-lusted-after James.

After a long silence, James looks up from Sirius to Lily, who is trembling with her eyes suspiciously bright. James looks deep into her sky-blue eyes, reading the love in them, and ignoring Sirius' unconscious body, he says:

"Wanna fuck?"

AN: *looonnngggg squeee* Cliffy! Gasp! Le Drama. Is Lily going to accept his offer, showing her passion for him through long, arduous coitus, nevermind the fact that they probably have school? Would James' order of unicorn, a lifetime supply of white chocolate, 10 centaur butlers, 25 different species of rare tropical fish, and a pool of galleons ever be fulfilled? Have they forgotten about Sirius and his absolutely sexy hair? Read to find out more. -GlitterRainbow736xxx (your fabulous author!)


	2. In Which They Pork Their Guts Out

Chapter 2: In Which They Pork Their Guts Out

This is with the contribution of my friend who did the fucking smut. Good job Alyssa.

Recap my lovelies! This is your fabulous author GlitterRainbow736xxx: _James looks deep into her sky-blue eyes, reading the love in them, and ignoring Sirius' unconscious body, he says:_

 _"Wanna fuck?"_

/

Lily is floored, quite literally, after James' question. She collapses onto herself, which is not entirely hard to do, because James has taken her seat on top of Sirius' legs and Sirius has squashed her off the couch a long time ago.

And from the floor, she raises her lust-filled eyes, whispering a single phrase, "Fuck yes."

/

Somehow, James and his perfect, Quidditch-toned everything (and oh does that boy have dem earlobes!) has convinced Lily to desert her low self-esteem and teenage angst and more than a possibility of a depression in a mere time of seconds.

And now they are snogging passionately on a couch in the middle of a collapsed common room. James' hot breath and the pace of his breathing are the only thing that she could focus on during their sweaty session of nothing and chill. Slowly, she feels his hands caress the back of her neck and everyone knows that this is the universal sign of "you bouta get fucked good." She begins to debate if she was going to let it happen or not at this very moment.

James tears off Lily's ugly sweater and caresses her tumbling C-cups (or was it her perky red hair?). Lily is suddenly filled with dread. She didn't want her first time to be like this! She wanted perfect guy, a date at least, 100 pints of dulce de leche ice cream, delivered to her dorm, and even though she didn't want her standards to be so high, the guy has to have given her chocolates from France or maybe a Barney statue from "How I Met Your Mother".

She loves that show, even though the invention and use of television would not be spread in the world for another decades or so, not mentioning it was in the wizarding world, where people where intent to remain as they were and stopped progressing in terms of technology in the 18th century, and the popularization of "How I Met Your Mother" would be even later.

"You know what?" Lily repeats to herself, confidence gaining as she replaces her ugly sweater back onto her goddess-like-body-that-has-literally-no-flaws, "Screw you, I'm going. Learn how to take a girl on a date first, aye?"

Then she slaps him, with her awesomely sharp, manicured, hot red (damn damn fam) nails, and retreats to her dorm only to return to her crying, pining self and sob for the entire rest of the day, quickly dismissing the fact that yeah, she probably had school the next day, and yeah, her professors probably assigned homework.

James looks affronted, vaguely scandalized, and then stuffs himself back into his new jeans that have magically appeared for the purpose of post-coital-dressing at his highly advanced magical command, and left, muttering about how if Lily wasn't going to give him some, he was going to get some from Sirius.

/

Sirius, or as he prefers it, Sirius Balancé Sissonne Osirus Black, is waiting for James to come back so that he can show him his novel drafts as a new, illustrious author.

James crashes into the wall of their dormitory that looks more of a suite than anything else (with his hot earlobes!) and thankfully turns himself around before his destructible cheekbones touch anything else to look at Sirius.

Sirius, was hot. Definitely, crazily hot. He had silky, sexy, black hair (pun so not intended guys!11!), great abs, and eyes that could rock your world. That was definitely how James saw Sirius, through his heterosexual, non-13-year-old-I-just-discovered-what-hormones-are eyes.

"Sirius! Paddie!" James squeals, seeing his best friend after a long and confusing day. "How are you alive!?"

"Prongsie!" Sirius squeals back, equally and excited, and he gets up from the mess of covers. "Ehh, good power nap, I think, in the common room, and the incentive of a good shagging woke me up."

That's when James finally notices that Sirius is naked except for a Japanese style kimono which ends at the top of his thighs and gives him quite a nice view of Sirius' hairy legs.

James, after a careful inspection of said thighs, backs away, cringing, "Merlin's great soggy balls!"

Sirius, who is not to be hindered by unsophisticated emotions such as awkwardness or decency, gets up, despite James' ignored protests. James and his always-quick-to-analyze brain turn vigorously to catch up with recent shocking events as he realizes that there is a person on Sirius' bed.

Who also happens to be naked.

As the oily-haired teenager rises up to float out of the bed and nestle into Sirius' personal space, James is filled with the inexplicable urge to light himself up with his new personal collection of fireworks that had just shipped from Zonko's store branch in China that specializes in fire (because apparently selling fireworks was illegal in the US but wait what did that have to do with their school in the UK?)

"James," Sirius announces with a hint of a poorly managed French accent that serves as an accurate portrayal of a German accent instead, spreading his arms out in grandeur and extending them in a way them makes James feel bad for his joints. The (still! What the fuck) naked man next to him smirks.

"Say hello to Severus."

Gaspppppp!11! What's going to happen next? Read more to find out~ GlitterRainbow736xxx


	3. In Which Sirius Is Not Ignored

**Chapter 3: In Which Sirius is Not Ignored (But Peter Still Is)**

||Also, anyone else annoyed at how little title characters are? It just wouldn't fit.||

Recap my lovelies! This is your fabulous author GlitterRainbow736xxx (and just in case anyone needs reminding GlitterRainbow736xxx is the stereotypical squealy author who writes bad fics that I - the actual author, have made up for the purpose of this parody fic):

" _James," Sirius announces with a hint of a poorly managed French accent that serves as an accurate portrayal of a German accent instead, spreading his arms out in grandeur and extending them in a way them made James feel bad for his joints, "Say hello to Severus."_

"Well," says James, wincing as he addresses the blob of hair and sweat (from possibly lots of getting busaaayyyy winkwinknudgenudge) that is Severus Snape, "Hi, Sneip?"

"Hello," Snape salutes his head in a nod, his arm curled around Sirius', an epitome of eloquence, "Pota."

(Then they beam at themselves in self-congratulatory narcissism, proud of the butchering up of their accents in order to accomplish essential dramatic and childishly insulting dialogue.)

"Um, what are you doing here?" James then asks, his priorities in order.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Not really, I mean, I thought, but…"

"Yes? You thought I would continue to idiotically salivate after Lily, who would eventually end up as your wife, the hormonal wrench, building up to years later when I could be serve my purpose as the sympathy throwaway by reiterating one word wistfully over the duration of several decades like a creepy loner and stalker?"

"Erm, yeah," James squints, paying no attention to the fact Snape had just said he and Lily would get married, "I mean, I thought you were already a creepy loner and stalker."

"Pshh," Snape dismisses with a rude gesture, "Loner, sure, but much more scholarly with much more capacity of understanding knowledge than your puny brain will ever be of. And also in need of a good hook up."

Then, materializing a cloak of darkness straight (pun not intended, ha, get it?) out of thin air, he sweeps away, leaving the remaining company completely flabbergasted.

"Did he just?" James gestures around, hands flailing hotly with his eyebrows creased just in that way and his hair pushed back in frustration .

"Of course he did," Sirius smirks.

"Oh then," James says, "Wait, did he just say "hook up"?,.,.;l;lmsdfghjkl?"

"You're fucking kidding me," Sirius collapses back into his bed and continues to think about all the kinky things all the kinky people could do with his kinky dick at the moment while James rants at the desk opposite him.

Apparently, even that isn't enough to keep Mufasa (he's had a lot of time on his hands okay?) alive and up. With more of James' talking, Sirius gets deeper depressed and begins writing a eulogy for Mufasa, who has died and preferably gone to heaven to fuck more people.

Or things, Sirius isn't picky.

(and if he isnt picky at all he can defiantly have his way with moiiiii ;))))) that man and his thighs hsdfghjkldafgcvajs)

~So who else and what else is Sirius going to fuck? Aren't you curious? What else is going to happen with Sneip and our beloved bad bois? Stay tuned to find out!~ GlitterRainbow736xxx

||Make "defiantly" a meme 2k17, inspired by Jacksfilms and I also have no idea what I'm doing with this story. Thanks so ever much for sticking with me and even favoriting? I'd love to talk to y'all about stale memes or anything at all||


	4. In Which James Has Glistening Cheekbones

**Chapter 4: In Which James Has Glistening Cheekbones**

Selena Lemongrass Uma Telesky Olir Nassy Ezabelle is having an exceptionally bad day.

Not only has her dad just disinherited her, her friend Sam Leon Ursa Talisman Taburi Witrasky Oleal is bitching around about some mysterious guy in their year who has "the sexiest look ever!" but who had never bothered to call her back.

Serves her right.

"Oh my god, babes!" There she goes again, "He had some sort of magical power! It was sexy, like, AF. But he never called me back! I gave him my number and everything! Why in god didn't he respond?" (because witches usually curse muggle-styled anyways)

And boom! goes the entire common room wall.

James Potter doesn't use his powers often, but when he does, it's an absolutely, ravishingly, disgustingly pleasurable thing to watch.

(Sort of like a slow motion of a door of glass breaking, or watching a man stuff 10 pieces of cake into himself under 2 minutes. Which Sirius or even Remus, on occasion, can do. And watching them stuff that whole, entire cake down their mouths? Totes haut!)

James's power, is breaking through literally everything, using his cheekbones.

(What sharp cheekbones you have, James. Better to break things with, my dear.)

 _Boom! Bam! Pow! Ka-fucking-BOOM!_

The walls of the Common Room crashes down around the confused Gryffindors epically, sending several of their pets scurrying for safety in the common rooms of other houses.

"Nooooo! My friend, don't abandon me!" Screams Gideon at his turtle furtively as the said turtle Spot, named only for purposes of ironic jokes that have never made it out in the real world, clampers frightfully towards the direction of the Slytherin dungeons.

"Betrayers! The load of them!" Gideon's twin Fabian pats his brother on the back as his own cat is stalking away to find its buddy in the Hufflepuff common room. "We shall rage war, and we shall conquer, defeat, and uh-what's that word?"

Unfortunately, he doesn't get an answer and probably never will, because Gideon was already crying bloody murder with his wand drawn on the top of his head like a unicorn would use its own horn.

(McGonagall, who happens to be in the common room, shakes her head and makes a note to add a Medical Precautions class for those who are too stupid for their own good. Then, she turns into a cat and leaps off to bathe herself with the newest body bubble additions in the prefect's bathroom.)

||Ahem: kinky. I repeat: kinky.||

After some crying and breakdowns from our dear, traumatised Hogwarts students, out from the dust rises James Potter (and his glistening cheekbones!), which are both as healthy as sexyyyy as ever.

"All hail the Cheekbone God!" Sirius screamed in a quite non-sequitur way, "I want mince pie!"

(They forgot wholeheartedly about Peter, who, as it happens, was trying to introduce some death eater buddies of his to modern inventions such as the cellular, mobile phone and this convenient nuisance called a group chat, currently name "Hisshiss muthafuccers." The death eaters have never been more puzzled in their life, Voldemort had successfully called the British monarchy on the mobile telephone, and had bathed in the glory of the ultimate power of unlimited cellular data.)

And all was well with the world.


End file.
